Agent Orange

Today I feel like a human. I didn't realize how tired and sick I felt yesterday until I woke up and felt good today. Traveling is exhausting, plain and simple. Hot weather with lots of humidity is exhausting. But today was good. Today was amazing. I woke up ridiculously early again, but had a good nights sleep so it was ok. I also discovered the mosquito net above my bed, so I was much less itchy. We had a big rain storm last night and when I woke up to run it was still raining a bit.

Today I went to the center for victims of Agent Orange. Agent orange was part of the herbicidal warfare program used during the Vietnam war. The deformities of the people born with the mutation resulting from the toxin ranges in extremity but is stunting and horrible no matter what. I found myself continuously overwhelmed today. This disease is everywhere. It is not easy to get rid of because the toxin is in the water and in the soil. It lays latent and then active. Some people have flippers, some people have sores all over their body. Today was heartbreaking. I felt helpless because I don't know what there is to do to save people from this. This is something I never have to deal with as an American and I feel responsible for educating people who will never see this disease. Purification. Is there an end to this disease with purification? The thing is it is in DNA. We can't change people's DNA so that their future generations wont be affected.

What can I do to help? I cut their hair and painted with them and danced and held them. How can this be cured? How can we end this prenatal condition? I want to clean their water and their soil so that no one else will be exposed. These people are living with a mutation caused by their environment. They are lovely. They smile and play. I want to be a doctor. But even then what can I do for THESE people?

I want to rip the world apart and make it right. My feelings right now feel new and different and controversial and extreme. I've never experienced such intense sadness and bits of anger and compassion as I did today. I didn't want to leave and I can't wait to go back. I want global health. I want so much for these people and I want so much to figure out how to give it to them. I feel a purpose here. I feel broken but not defeated. Empowered. This is raw.

My stream of consciousness is all over the place. The coffee here is strong. I think I love it here. I've only been here 3 days and have only been working 2. I feel like I can help these people I just need to figure out how.

How can I? It will take something more than money. It will take something more than a month. It will happen.

Reality hits.

The rest of the day was lovely. I spent lunch time with Giang and Kerry and then went to the Red Cross center where I will be taking teaching English in replacement  of a 5 month volunteer leaving tomorrow (the one from Arlington). I wish I knew more Vietnamese. When I come back next I will know more. The students at Red Cross are older (10-22+). They are motivated but learning disabled and the school system in Vietnam does not cater to them at all, so they come to Red Cross to learn. I'm stuck on the AOV. I wish I could go back there right now.

This post was spastic. Tomorrow we go to Hoi An with Kerry and Giang for Christmas. My camera was dead today so I did not get any pictures, but I will post one that Kerry took when I had my first Vietnamese coffee. So very delicious.

Tonight we have a going away party for a woman named Jen who has been here for a long time. She is a house mate of Kerry's. I would have liked to get to know her more.

I feel happy and confused and useful. It feels good.

Oh Babies.

So today it really began. I started to see what everyone meant when they told me I may have some real heartbreak ahead of me.

I went with the other volunteers to the Pagoda center which is a Buddhist monastery that takes in orphans. As well as abandoned children, there are also children who live there with their families and who will hopefully one day become Monks. The drive from the volunteer housing to the center was about 20 minutes long through the countryside of Da Nang. We passed cows and bulls and many roosters and muddy creeks and crumbling homes.  When we arrived, we immediately went over to the orphans and brought them toys and activities. For about 30 seconds, I had no idea what to do with myself. I felt genuinely overwhelmed with my surrounding and wanted to pick up every child in there simultaneously. After the 30 second shock passed, I made friends with a sweet little girl dressed in pink who was painfully shy and content to be held for the first bit that we were there. About 20 minutes in, I was called into the baby room to feed a sick child his medicine and breakfast. The medicine seemed to be very diluted antibiotics chopped into a fruit juice. He had a meal of mashed veggies and we feed him water with a spoon. The pagoda seemed well funded and the elders working were lovely and tender and cared for the children with much compassion. They do not have a water purification system, though, and drink only bottled water. There was one child that particularly captured me. I found in the resting room a young girl about 1 lying on her side seemingly very sleepy. It turns out that she was actually very, very sad. She was abandoned recently and has horrible anxiety and no way to comfort or sooth herself. I tried to approach her, but when I got too close she started crying and seemed very threatened. I moved back and let her calm down, giving her her space while observing. I went back a bit later and just sat with her; not trying to touch her or talk to her. She was ok with this. I wanted so badly for her to trust me and let me hold her and feed her, but I know that I am only here for a month and she has a lifetime of worry and fear in her near infant body. I trust that she will feel safe eventually at the pagoda. We had lunch with the children and then came back to the volunteer house.

I went to see Kerry when I got home and got the exciting news that Giang was coming over. I don't know that I've ever been quite so happy to meet someone. This child is spectacular, and is so much like her amazing mom. She is bright and beautiful and happy and has the light of the entire world in her eyes. She's funny and witty and she and Kerry just love each other so much. Everything you see in the pictures of the two of them is just so genuine.

In the late afternoon, we went to the social support center for a Christmas party. The social support center is the home to many different people ranging from severely disabled orphans to elderly war wives.  I will be spending a good deal of my time here. The disabilities in these children are like none I have ever seen. Many of them have cerebral palsy, some home down syndrome, one girl was dropped on her head as an infant and has a neurological disorder as the result of that, and some have undiagnosed disabilities. The program they have set up is pretty phenomenal, especially for the resources available. There have a brother and sister team of physiotherapists that world with the children. A little girl named Tihn with CP was able to take her first step a few months ago at the age of 10. A new baby to the center has down syndrome and a mutation that prevented her from developing fingers on her right hand. The most amazing thing is they all still have an undeniable light in them and with attention and love they smile and laugh and respond. There is a boy named Tam, also with severe CP, who speaks incredible English and has a terrific memory. He can't walk or hardly move on his own, but he is responsive and funny and sweet.

Aside from the physically disabled, there are many mentally disabled children and adults at this center, too. Some of them are survivors of severe trauma, some have autism, and others have developmental disorders that I am not aware of yet. I look forward to spending more time there and learning more about all of them. It is an entire commune of people healthy and not that take care of each other. The nurse mothers work harder than anyone I have ever seen in my life, caring for the disabled and healthy children 24/7 with no time off. These are exceptional people.

After the party we cleaned up and came home where I am finding myself quite tired. I haven't really felt the jetlag yet in the way of being exhausted, but it has definitely hit me after today. I look forward to a good nights sleep and will be going to the AOV center tomorrow (Agent Orange Victims center). The pictures below are just a peek at some of what I saw today, and more will come when I return home.

I want to do everything for these people and I look forward to learning what it is exactly that will help them the most.

My Morning Run

This is just a quick blog to give an idea of the area I am living in. I woke up really early this morning as I am still quite jet lagged. I think I might try to stick to this schedule. I was up at 5 and out of the house at 6. I let myself take 3 turns on my run because I was afraid if I took anymore I wouldn't be able to find my way back. I ended up in a neighborhood with a school and many people. Some people yelled "hello" at me in hopes I would respond in English, some stared, and some smiled. I got a little too close to a dog in hopes of getting a pictures and backed off shaking when it started approaching me. I had the rabies shot, but you never know. I'd rather not get attacked by a dog. I'll have to ask Kerry if the dogs are wild or if they are pretty tame. I am about to have breakfast with my house mates, but will write more later. Today is my first day at the orphanage! And tonight I get to meet Kerry's Giang!!!!!! YES!

Crab and white fungus soup

Sounds delicious, eh?

I had a lovely morning with Kerry in Ho Chi Min City. We had breakfast on the roof top of our hotel (complete with crab and white fungus soup) and then Kerry treated me to an amazing massage in District 1. After that we hurried back to the hotel to get our things together and headed to the airport. Our flight was delayed due to the most torrential downpour I have ever seen, but we eventually made it to Da Nang safe and sound. 

I have already fallen in love with some children, and they weren't even the orphans. I saw my room at volunteer housing and got a bit settled and then Kerry took me to her home right up the street. As we were walking, we were bombarded by absolutely adorable and completely poverty stricken street children. They have houses that are completely open to the road and just run around as they please. These children are so full of love. They ran up to immediately, jumped into my arms, and started to hugging me with terrific smiles on their faces. I started crying. Typical. We went into Kerry's house and they were waiting right outside for us when we came out. We took them to buy some candy and promised many more visits. Its all becoming very real. What I am going to be doing here is all becoming very real.

We then went into town to grab a bit since all of the volunteers were already out for dinner and Kerry took to me an amazing place run by a westerner who only employs deaf Vietnamese children and adults. They serve a western menu so we enjoyed some pizza. We then returned to the volunteer housing and all of my roommates were there. I am sharing a room with two others girls, one from Australia and one from Vietnam. We have a nice sized room with mattresses on the floor and big windows. There are two others girls living in a separate room both from Australia and a guy living on his own from Arlington. Yes. Arlington, MA. He has been here for five months and will return to the states on Friday to finish school at Northeastern. Small, small world.

We went to do karaoke afterwards which was...interesting. It was definitely fun. People here seem very friendly. They have all been together for a few weeks, so I will need to break in to the group, but it seems promising. And if not, I'll just stay at the orphanage and hang out with babies. Not really, but I am excited to meet the babies tomorrow. I'm going to try to wake up early and run before the heat really sets in. We'll see how that goes. I can't figure out my camera, so no picture tonight, but I will get it sorted out tomorrow.

It is now almost midnight. I'm lucky my parents get up so early in the am or else talking to them would be a challenge. 

Have a great day over there, and I look forward to letting you know how the first day of work goes. 

What day is it?

I am sitting on the floor of the bathroom in my hotel because it is VERY early in the morning and I am one confused traveler. Safely in Ho Chi Min City (formerly Saigon). Well, no one was lying to me when they said that was going to be a long trip. NYC to Tokyo ended up being 3 hours shorter than estimated flight time, and trust me, I was grateful to be off the plane 3 hours earlier. Although it wasn't all bad. I watched Shrek Forever After, Inception, and Despicable Me, and everyone was incredibly nice. My favorite part may have been the haagen dazs vanilla ice cream we got at about hour 10. They also gave me slippers, a face mask, and a tooth brush, which was sweet. I got excited on the second flight. I sat next to a boy from the UK who passed out awkwardly with his head on my shoulder and mouth wide open, but it was somewhat endearing. That wasn't what I was excited about- just for clarification. I was excited to be in Vietnam. Its early, I'm tired, give me a break. I have to say, I've never felt safer at 35,000 feet. Those planes were big.

When I got off the plane it was 10 am EST, 12 pm Tokyo time, and 10 pm Vietnam time. On Monday. What day is it today?

Kerry came to get me at the airport in Ho Chi Min and I don't know that I've ever been quite so happy to see someone. We took a crazy cab ride from the airport to district 1 (called Saigon) where we stayed the night. Everyone rides motor bikes and no one seems to care what anyone else is doing. Its hot and very noisy and feels like a real tropical city. People are helpful. I had a delicious dinner of curry with lemongrass and traditional Vietnamese roles. After dinner we took a (short) walk through Ho Chi Min to an ATM. There are a lot of backpackers here, it seems. A lot of Australians.

Today we are seeing a little bit of Ho Chi Min City before our 3:20 departure to Da Nang. Kerry gave me the rundown on the orphanage and there are 5 other volunteers there and many babies at the infant orphanage. I'm thrilled to get there.

I will write tonight (if I don't pass out) once I settle in at the volunteer house.

I can't believe I am actually here. Life long fun.

All checked in and pretty choked up.

My mom, dad, sister Bessie and I all arrived at the airport this morning at 6am. Mind you, my flight is not until 12:15, but Bessie is going to LA today and her flight was at 8, so we all came at the same time. However, this turned out to be very poor planning as my airline wasn't even OPEN yet. So mom, dad and I drove around Queens, had a greasy spoon breakfast, has some noodles in the airport to make our stomachs feel better after the greasy spoon breakfast, and enjoyed our last bit of time together. I'm feeling anxious and sad and happy and excited all at the same time and was holding it together pretty well until my dad started crying when I had to go through security. My dad and I are close. We always have been. We drove to Boston every weekend together when I was in high school. We went to Europe together when I was 15. I wish he could come with me here. He studied East Asian politics and languages when he was in school. I didn't take into account the fact that I would miss my parents while I was away. Probably  because they were such a pain in the butt the last few days while I was trying to get ready. Kidding, but really, they were kind of annoying. But I will miss them. I know its only a month, but it feels like a long time. My mom turns 65 while I'm away. 

I'm thinking this might be the scariest part of the trip. Waiting in an airport with no one I know. Anticipating the 15, 7, and 2 hour flights that I have ahead of me. Getting a taste of what it is going to feel like being around people whose language I do not speak. Wondering when it is acceptable to take the Ativan to alleviate the anxiety. I am excited, too. I just don't feel it right now. I just want to get on the airplane and keep moving forward. Soon. I'll get to meet Giang and be with Kerry. I am so glad that Kerry is there. I don't know if I could do this if she wasn't. But she is, so I can, and I am.

Ok, this time for real, next time I write- I'll be 12,000 miles away. I think its time for an Ativan.

A day away

So, I am sitting in my sisters apartment in NYC right now trying to figure out how to print out my e-ticket confirmation for my trip tomorrow. I am all of a sudden feeling incredibly excited, nauseatingly nervous, and somewhat unsure of what the next month has in store for me. I leave tomorrow at noon and will arrive in Vietnam late afternoon on Monday. I will be going right to the orphanage to see the place I'll call home for the next few weeks.

I'm going over with so many great resources and I am just so anxious to get there and be able to help. I've been thinking a lot about world health and life outside of America ever since I decided to go and I believe that I will be able to do some good there. It is a first step for me, and a big one, and I look forward to continuing my education when I get back so that one day I can go on many similar trips but with a medical degree to give the children and community the help that they so desperately need. I feel like I've been reminded on a daily basis of how lucky I am to grow up where I did and go to school where I do and the fact is that I DO have resources that the majority of the world do not have, and because of that I feel like my place after school will be working with those less privileged and working towards a true foundation of world health. We have clean water. We have clean hospitals. The rest of the world should have that as well.


So, thank you so much for supporting me. I look forward to sharing with you stories of my travels and coming back with a better idea of what I can do.

The next time I write I will be 12,000 miles away and half a day ahead. Whoa. Anxiety attack setting in...

Vietnam, here I come.