lots and lots of babies

Our power is back on and I am able to access my blog again! For the last few days, most blogs were available only in re-only format and none of us could add anything. The government blocks a lot of websites here, but we have managed to get back on!

After 2 weeks of feeling sick, I finally decided to take my antibiotics this morning and I already feel like a new person. Some of the other volunteers are coming down with colds and I think it was just impossible to avoid especially since many of the babies at our placements have been ill.

We've had a busy last few days. The house was full as the volunteers from all three Vietnam placements were here for orientation, but they separated between Tam Ky, Tuy Hua and Da Nang and now there are only 5 of us left here, two of whom will be leaving tomorrow. The two remaining girls are from Australia and one will be here through the end of the month and the other will be leaving just after me. We are understaffed and may have to cut out some of our placements. Hopefully we can work around that.

On Tuesday we had new volunteer orientation and I went to social support in the afternoon to check on baby Hoi who was sick on Monday. He was doing better and his fever had broken, but the rest of the children in the baby disabled room had all picked up a cough. If they are not well by tomorrow I'd like to get some of them into the doctor. The nurse mothers there work so hard; constant care with little resources and no breaks. Dinh was very excited to meet the new volunteers and all of them were smitten with her. All of the babies in the disabled room are really lovely- happy and sweet and totally eager for love and attention.

We spent Wednesday at the Pagoda. A 3 month old baby was left there on Tuesday so I spent most of the day with her. She does not have a name and we spent most of the time bathing her and checking her out to make sure everything was OK. Her mother had obviously been breast feeding her before leaving her so she will have to be immediately weaned. The Pagoda is a good orphanage with many resources and they care very well for the children. The only down side is that babies left at the Pagoda can not be adopted. They are kept there until they are 18 and then they have the choice of either becoming a monk or leaving. They get a good education with private English classes, good vegetarian food and are cared after, but they wont be adopted. It is bitter sweet. They are the best cared for orphans, that is for sure, and so many babies don't get adopted and grow up in orphanages and social support centers without any chances for education. We teach English at the Pagoda and they are the most eager and hard working students because of the emphasis for education that is put on them. Wednesday night we went out for a few drinks with Mr.Phouc (the physiotherapist) and Mr. T ( our placement manager) since Mr. Phouc will be in Tam Ky for the rest of the week and Rebecca and Melissa won't see him again. We were planning on seeing a movie afterwards but were all too tired and ended up falling asleep early.

Today I got to go back to AOV 1 (older Agent Orange victims) and AOV 2 (the baby orphanage- the babies don't have AO, but the much older kids in the center downstairs do.) I taught English this morning to an amazing class of severely disabled students ranging in age from about 10-35. We do the same thing every week- alphabet and numbers. Some of them remember and some of them don't, but they all love being in the classroom and are always excited to come up for one on one at the board. Its hard accepting how these kids live. There really isn't anything more that I can do for these kids- their conditions aren't operable and no amount of money will remove what they have. I can spend more time with them and continue to teach them and help them find sponsoring so that they can have more opportunities to grow, but there condition permanent. I've had that similar realization a lot this week. When you walk into the placements the first few times, all you want to do is change everything and give the kids and other residents the best possible life, but the truth of it is that this time I am only here for a month and I only have so many resources. What we are doing is coming in and doing everything we can to make them happy and safe and comfortable for the time we are here and try to set them up with some routine or some materials so that when we leave they can continue in the right direction, but once we are gone we have to depend on someone else to ensure that all is going right. Again, I want more time. After English class we did some drawing and played for a good while. All of the children love cameras, so the moment you take one out they are all prying for a turn and run around taking pictures of every little thing. I really love AOV 1. The feeling of total depression and helplessness I had the first time I visited has gone. It still is very sad, and I am still regularly overwhelmed at the severity of these children's disabilities, but I also love them and enjoy hanging out with them and I know they enjoy having us come, too. I also want to help them and I feel like every time I come back, and when I finally return as a doctor, I will really be able to improve their lives in some way. They have all certainly changed me. I often wonder how aware these children are of their condition. They experience change all the time. GVN brings in new volunteers every two weeks and some of these people regularly experience abandonment. Its hard to communicate with them but there are some whom I have developed really special relationships and I hope it does not feel like abandonment when I leave next week. I will come back again soon.

I spent the afternoon with dozens of babies. We got there at nap time, so I spent the majority of placement bouncing one child on my lap and one in my arms until they fell asleep and then moving onto the next couple. I really love the baby orphanage, also. Another almost one year is old being adopted next week. The nice thing about the baby orphanage is that most of the babies are adopted, whereas our other placements are either severely disabled kids, ones abandoned later in life, or ones who were never adopted. It seems that there is a case of conjunctivitis going around in the baby orphanage. Either that or the babies are getting stung in the eye by mosquitoes. I think one of the things I will do is buy mosquito nets for all of the cribs. They are really bad this year and all the babies have bites all over them. I sleep fully covered under a mosquito net with bug spray everywhere and I still get eaten alive every night. There are 4 'mothers' who care for all the babies and they are very old, very tired, and very poor. Most of them are brought in from the mountains because people who live in Da Nang will not work for the little amount of money offered to the caregivers. Hard working women. They also speak no English, so all communication is done with hand signs and broken Vietnamese. I could never even really imagine what an orphanage would be like until now. The babies develop later then the ones I am used to because they have so little one-on-one. They are used to falling asleep in cribs or on bamboo matts, so when we rock them to sleep the go down almost instantly. During sleep time there are like 15 babies all spread out on one big bamboo matt. Its scary when they get sick because it is impossible for any of them to stay healthy since they are so close to each other all the time. I wish I could bring them all back to America. I will definitely be adopting at some point in my life. Its truly eye opening to see how many abandoned children there are. It really is the kind of the thing that didn't really hit me until I experienced it. Hopefully the babies will be adopted more quickly now that Vietnam has signed the Hague.

Tonight we went out for Pho. I have had a really hard time with the food here and have been getting sick to my stomach almost instantly after eating most traditional Vietnamese meals, and today was not any different. Luckily, they have very good French bread and yummy fruit. After dinner we went to Social Support where Melissa and Rebecca had a party with their English class and I spent some time with the babies in the disabled room. Dinh has a bad cold and a bit of a fever but was still happy as ever. Hoi is still sick and has what appears to be a nasty ear infection. I think it may be time to get a doctor in to look at them. Ha Mei was sleeping, but obviously had a cold, and both Tam and Truc were not well either. There immune systems are already so compromised, so it is really scary when they all get sick. We'll see how they are doing in the morning and go from there. Older Tam is doing okay but needs someone who can come and see him more regularly for physical therapy. His muscles are too short and he is having spasms more often. Its really hard for him because he is very with it mentally and he wants to be able to be more physically independent. I think our physiotherapist is going to train one of the interns so that they can come in maybe ever day and work with him. The interns all live in Da Nang and are Vietnamese students. After social we took the interns to bowling and had a great time. Kerry and Giang met us and Kerry has taken on 4 kittens.....They are to be adopted, but will all be living with her for some time. Kerry rescuing animals- no surprise there. Tomorrow we will go back to social and then take Mel and Bec to the airport- very sad.

Its been an interesting week. I feel like I am finally getting in the flow of everything and its really upsetting to think of leaving next week. The first few weeks were such a roller coaster with everything making me so sad while amazed at the same time. Its taken me a while to feel awake and alert and actually wrap my head around what I see every day. It really is like nothing I have ever seen. I hope that I never stop feeling overwhelmed. I wake up every morning so excited and I don't know that I have ever been happier than I am when I am at placement. When I am hanging around the volunteer house or out shopping, I have time to be homesick and I miss everyone, but I am so full of emotion and overwhelmed with different feelings when I am at placement that I just don't have room to think of anything else.

Being here is the single most gratifying, useful and educational thing I have ever done in my life.

I have learned more about the world and the people in it then I ever realized there was to learn. My priorities and my sense of self has been brought up to speed with the majority of the world and I look forward to exploring more.

Right now all I can do is be here, and I am, and the minute I get home I will start planning my next trip. I am awake and I am in love and can't get enough of these sweet people.

I really feel whole. It feels awesome.

Lots of pictures today as I haven't been able to update all week. I will write again soon.

Tin Tin in Vietnam

We had yesterday off from placement because all of the new volunteers were arriving, so I went back to Hoi An with Melissa and Rebecca (the Australian girls who have been here) a new girl named Olivia (also from Australia), and a new girl named Faye (Australia, too). It was hot and beautiful outside and we walked around, had some good coffee, did a little shopping, and had lunch at the restaurant owned by the woman who taught our cooking class. My shopping included going to a store called Reaching Out which is a fair trade shop ran by artists and people with different abilities. Its lovely and I got almost all of my shopping for friends and family done there. I also spent a good amount of time, withe Olivia's help, bargaining with a street vendor for different Tin Tin in Vietnam shirts. After lunch we headed back to Hoi An to teach English at Social Support.

I will be taking over Rebecca's english class for the next two weeks. She has three 14 year old students who are very sweet and very cheeky. I'm looking forward to it. I visited the baby room while I was there and was upset to find that Hoi is not feeling well. He was crying and very warm when I got there and having a hard time soothing himself. We're hoping that the chair we've gotten him will help because right now he is so weak that he is not able to sit up or move around at all on his own, so he spends the majority of his time lying on his back which is not good for his health. With the chair, the nurse mothers will be able to take him out and leave him in the chair for a while when we are not there and that should help him. I want a lot for Hoi as well as the other children at social support, but I'm beginning to really see that with these children there just isn't the opportunity and time for the one on one they really need. The nurse mothers have a lot to care for so there is no way they can be holding Hoi all the time. Even the not disabled children and walking and talking later then those that I am familiar with from home because they do not have the support and help of parents.

I wish there were more people here helping and I really wish that I could stay longer. I'm starting to feel really upset at the aspect of leaving here in less than two weeks. There is so much more I want to do and I hate the idea of not being able to see the children and help first hand. A month is no where near long enough. I will leave and there will be another turn over and the English classes will get another new teacher and Tam will have another new tutor. All of the volunteers are great, and I am sure whoever takes over for our group will be wonderful, but I still want more time. I can come back next Christmas, but that will still only be for a month and that is 12 months away. I think the summer? Southeast Asia is very far away. If only I could just bring them all back to the US.

Its not a bad feeling but not really a good one either that I am feeling right now. I am apprehensive and want there to be more time. I have a new drive and I want to be back in school so that I can finish and get to the part of my life that allows me to travel and institute the work I believe in, but at the same time I wish I could just put everything on hold for 6 months and stay here. I guess that's not entirely true either, though, because I constantly feel like there is much more I could be doing here if I had more of my education behind me. I really want to give these people the actual medical attention that they need. What we're doing now is wonderful and nice, but the actual impact will come when I am able to be here as a medical doctor. 

I am happy and more relaxed in my life than I think I ever have been, but I am also soberingly aware of the work I have cut out for me over the next few years. There were many things I expected from this trip, but the one I am definitely the most welcoming and grateful to is the drive it has put in me and the compassion, yearning, and consideration for the world that it has so over-flowingly given me. I have nothing to gripe about and a life to look forward to.

My dad said in an e-mail to me that he 'suspects my patience for whining and self-indulgence are reaching a life-time low' and he is absolutely right. I have been fortunate to always have enough in my life. What I have viewed as difficult and written off as hard work is most of the worlds standard and my norm comes with benefits that qualify as very privileged. 

I am also growingly appreciate of my parents and the values they have instilled in me and my siblings. So, thank you mom and dad. Your support and benevolence means more to me than you can realize. Your priorities were right.

I don't have many pictures from yesterday, just one from a delicious coffee and pastry shop and a few of the market and river in Hoi An. 

I hope all is well on the other side of the world.

Growing Up

We have had some troubles with the internet in Vietnam, so I haven't had a chance to write in a few days, and now it is 2011 here.

I've had an amazing last few days. I'm finally starting to feel better and looking forward to going back to Da Nang tomorrow and meeting the new volunteers. Tomorrow morning we are going to go to the orphanage in Hoi An and have a visit there.

Its a strange sensation how different Hoi An feels from Da Nang. I love Hoi An, but I love what I'm doing in Da Nang. Its nice to have both places.

I'm growing up. I can feel it in everything I do. I feel real, true direction in my life and I am excited to put it in place. I can't believe how quickly I have started feeling like myself here. Its hard to explain, but everything feels right. Helping people feels right. I like this side of the world and I like the people I've met, and while I miss home, I am productive and useful and just really happy.

Its a new year and it sure does feel like it. I think I have never necessarily felt confident enough in my self to believe that I could do the things that I want to, but suddenly that apprehension is gone and I feel realistically invincible. The prospect of medical school does not feel as scary because I have now seen where I can come when I am finished. I have actually been able to meet and work with the people who I want to eventually care for. I really have dreamed of doing something like this for so long, and I just want to travel the whole world now. There are so many people who need help. I have so much that I can give, and I never even realized it. I want to learn in a new and exciting way. I just think it is amazing that I can chose what I want to do with my life and if I work hard enough I can really make anything happen. I don't feel like anything else would feel right except for this. After spending just a week here and meeting these kids, I don't feel like I could ever be as useful and happy if I chose anything else.

I can integrate all of my passions together here. I can sing with the babies and care for the children and eventually I can be a medical advocate for them and I will be able to actually and really improve their lives. Its all overwhelming and I'm still not completely there.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing back and watching myself. Its the dream sequence feeling. I've always wanted to be proud of myself and happy and feel like I could watch myself and enjoy what I was seeing, and I feel that way here. And its in a good way. Its a feeling of growing up. Its the feeling of figuring out what makes me happy and I just feel so lucky that what does has brought me here.

I feel gratefully obligated to service and to helping people who need it, and for that I feel truly lucky.

Now for a little update on the last few days.

On Thursday morning I ended up going to kindy, which is like kindergarten. We teach class rooms of about 20-25 adorable 3-4 year olds English and sing and play with them. It is so fun. I usually go to AOV, and will continue to go to AOV instead, but another volunteer wanted to switch as she had never gotten to go to AOV. The children in kindy have families but are very poor. They are so funny, when we do the alphabet they freak out laughing and giggling when we get to W because they don't have it in their alphabet. Its a very fun placement. After we were done teaching, the school threw us a little party for the new year and on the menu were these HUGE snails. Seriously. Mutant sized. I was too chicken to eat one. I've had a hard time adjusting to the smells and foods here, and that was just one thing I was not brave enough to try. The other girls did. Good for them. In the afternoon Kerry, Giang and I came to Hoi An where we will be until tomorrow afternoon. I basically slept the whole first day which was exactly what I needed to get better. We also spent some time with a really lovely family that Kerry knows. She met the mother because her son was in the same orphanage as Giang. She and her husband have adopted 2 children and now live in Tanzania. It was nice for Giang to have some kids to hang out with in Hoi An. I spent part of yesterday looking into the 'orphan ranger' positions, and I think I am going to go for it. !!! I'd like to come back to Vietnam but I also would like to go to Africa or Cambodia. We will see.

Last night was really fun. We were feeling really run down and tired and had to seriously rally to get out, but we ended up meeting up with some of the volunteers from Tam Ky and it so much fun. Earlier in the night K+G and I put candles in the river and made a wish, which is a tradition here. That felt good. I have a lot to be grateful for from last year and a lot to wish for in the new year. Kerry and Giang eventually got tired so I went with the other volunteers to a concert on the river where we rung in the new year. They are wonderful people. I was disappointed when the other volunteers from Da Nang decided to stay in Da Nang (its a lot to get away for a weekend sometime) so was very happy to meet new people. Its was also really nice talking about our experiences. Everyone I've talked to wants to come back or is a returning volunteer.

Today we spent the day by the ocean. January 1, 2011. That also felt like a dream. It was so beautiful and the perfect day. I am definitely happy not to be in the snow :-). I'm excited and nervous to visit the Hoi An orphanage tomorrow. GVN doesn't have a placement there but a lot of the other volunteers have been and it is supposedly pretty corrupt. I'm hoping that maybe we can find something to do to help. There is only so much the mothers can do when an orphanage is understaffed and underfunded. The mothers are the women who care for the orphans; the nurses. We'll see what they need and figure out what we can do. Tomorrow night we'll go back to Da Nang to greet the new volunteers.

Its nice not being scared of being alone with my thoughts. That sounds strange, but before a lot of times I just felt so overwhelmed that when I got to thinking too much I would just feel defeated, but I am so excited to think about everything I am going to be doing and I feel confident and eager to come back to school and work so that I can come back here soon. I think life is overwhelming at times, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Everything that is happening is exciting and I love it. Happy New Year.