Mashed Potatoes

So I am still feeling a bit under the weather, but getting better with the help of sleep, Kerry, and advil cold and sinus. There is nothing fun about being sick here. No fever, though, just a cold and lots of sinus pressure.

Yesterday we went back to the Pagoda. I'm fascinated with this place. The children left at the pagoda are not up for adoption because they are hoped to become monks. Boys and girls of all ages get an education and food and are well cared for here. We teach them English and play with them, but they do not seem as needy as some of the other places we work. Aside from a child with a cleft lip, non of the children here seem to be disabled physically or mentally.

I enjoy playing with the children, but we are definitely more useful at other locations.

Its interesting seeing the dynamic amongst the children here. I think because they are all able and healthy, the way they interact seems more 'normal' to me. They tease each other and play with each other in a way that felt familiar from my own childhood. At Social Support and AOV, most of the children as so disabled that their interaction with each other is entirely different. The healthy children at these places take on great responsibility at a really young age to help care for their friends who are not well.

I found myself missing the babies at social support and AOV.

The children at Pagoda are wonderful, though, and a real joy to be around.

In the afternoon I stayed home and started cooking. I made lemon chicken and mashed potatoes and garlic bread and salad. It was an interesting experience. The way they cook here is, obviously, much different. Things that I assumed would be in the kitchen (salt, pepper, flour) weren't, but luckily Kerry was down the street and had them. We had a nice dinner and then I basically passed out immediately afterwards. I think my Vietnamese friends enjoyed the meal. They were at least very polite and ate most of it. The woman I really wanted to cook for, Co Quyen, ended up going out for dinner with her friends. She really doesn't like Western food.

One of my roommates is leaving today. I'm feeling pretty sad about that. She goes to Cambodia next and then Malaysia. She is a teacher from Australia. We got along really well and I enjoyed having her around and working with her. Now I have a reason to go to Australia! All of my roommates are currently living in Australia (one is from Vietnam originally but going to uni in Australia).

Today I go back to the place that got me thinking so much last week- AOV. I want to figure out something to do for this placement today.

I've been feeling pretty cloudy the last few days. Even more dream like than before. I'm looking forward to feeling better soon. I go to Hoi An for the new year this afternoon, so I'm hoping that a weekend of sleeping and swimming will do me good. The new volunteers arrive over the weekend.

I will write more later, but for not I will leave you with some pictures from the baby orphanage and the Pagoda.

Sick day.

Today I am sick. I stayed home from placement which was a big disappointment. I have a sore throat and very clogged up sinuses. My stomach is also kind of funny.

I finally slept, though. I have had a horrible time sleeping since I got here because I have been thinking so much. I finally just passed out, and now I feel a bit better. I will go to placement tomorrow.

Not to much to report today as I spent most of it in my bed scratching mosquito bites, reading, and thinking of all the fascinating people I've met so far. I did go shopping for the dinner I am going to make tomorrow night.

I did e-mail a woman named Dr.Jane Aronson. She is amazing. I told her she was an inspiration to me and asked if there were any internships I could apply for. She suggested I applied to be an 'orphan ranger', which is a job similar to what I am doing now. I could go anywhere in the world with a stipend and work with orphans. Dr.Aronson is currently in Ho Chi Min City. I just think she is so cool.

Everyday I realize a little more where my passion for medicine is. I want to work here. I want to work with disabled and abandoned children. I love the idea of going into adoption medicine. I can't imagine a more beneficial way to use a medical degree; helping the most needy of children in their most formative years.

I can't wait to travel more.

I was sad not to be there when Hoi tried out his new chair. It was a great success. We have the chair on loan for a week, but I have decided to buy it for him once the week is out. It gives him a little bit of independence which is the world to him.

I'm slowly getting an idea of what I can do here aside from just going to my placements. The language barrier is difficult and the next time I travel I will do so with a better understand of the native language. The amazing thing is that every little thing truly does help. These people really have nothing or next to nothing.

I thought a lot today about how I have viewed life and myself in particular. I have gotten caught up in so much pettiness and have let myself feel inferior for what now seems to be insignificant reasons. Though I've been unhealthy and have had my struggles, I am incredibly privileged.

I've always had access to world class healthcare. I've always had clothing and education and books to read. There is not nearly the opportunities for people here that there are in America, especially when it comes to healthcare. That is why I want to come back to places like this. I want to share my good fortune and help people who really do need it. All of these children deserve the same chance at life and health as me.

I can feel myself in my best and purest form here. I feel grounded and compassionate and useful. I'm learning constantly in the most organic form here; hands-on experience at its best.

I would like to not be sick when I wake up tomorrow. I want to go and see the children I've already fallen in love with at social support. We'll see what the new day brings.

But now, I will go to sleep. No pictures to share today, but I will post one from Jen's going away party last week as well as the sweetest note Giang made for me and Kerry at Christmas dinner.

A million thoughts going in a million directions, but I am starting to find some clarity. This is certainly a new and brilliant experience.

Dream Sequence

This feels like a dream. I think I am asleep. I got back from Hoi An yesterday at 4 pm, watched a movie with Kerry, and then fell asleep until about 5 am this morning. I got to chat with my sisters on skype which was really nice. It also made me remember that I am really far away. And I am really tired. And I am constantly confused and often rather dazed. It also reminded me to step back from what I'm doing sometimes and reflect on more than just what makes me sad.

Funny things happen here. I look out my window and there are cows being herded down my street. Literally. 10 of them. Everyone here rides motor bikes and nobody cares about pedestrians. I saw a motor bike go by today that had about 5 people on it with a small baby sandwiched between two adults. Our bus driver has about 4 different horns that he honks constantly. One of them plays 'its a small world after all'. Everyone always honks. Constant noise. My first night here there was a gecko on my ceiling. They are harmless. I thought it was going to kill me.

Happy things happen here. Today one of the babies in the infant orphanage was adopted by a French Canadian couple who will love him. The children at social support in the physiotherapy program are making progress. I had good pizza for dinner.

Its real here. Life happens all over the place and everyone keeps going. They can't get caught up in grey matter and vague difficulties.

I went back to social support this morning. I didn't cry today. I worked with Hoi and we've gotten him a chair that may help him sit up on his own. I want to cry now. I wish I could bring you all here for a week to meet these kids. Their smiles are the most genuine things I have ever seen. I wonder often how they think their quality of life is. They don't know western culture. They don't understand working class and they certainly can't comprehend wealth. I would like to give them a better life, but I am trying to learn what that means for them. We are doing what we can to educate. We are teaching them English. We brush their teeth and we play with them.

I feel like an asshole for leaving. I feel like what I can do here is so much more meaningful than what I do in the states. At the same time, I know that I can give them much more with more of an education behind me.

I'm realizing that my heart isn't breaking its just adapting to the heartache of the world. My feelings and emotions are growing to grant me a clear head to process sadness and push forward from it. If I put my energy in the right place and stop feeling sad all the time, then I truly believe a difference can be made.

I really love social support. Its impossible for me not to smile when Dinh laughs uncontrollably. Its impossible for me to not feel lucky that I get to see Hoi respond to singing and laughing. These children are such joy. I know that their lives are hard. I know that they live in poverty I have never seen until this month. I want to come back here for a long time. I want to bring people with me. There are not a lot of volunteers here. GVN is the most popular volunteer agency in Vietnam and we currently have 5 volunteers.

I'm just constantly amazed how children who have so little can give so much love. I feel so much from them and I have only known them a week. We have too much in America. I feel like with too much wealth we lose track of what is true and real and important. My eyes are now open. I hope they never close.

These kids need more. I want more time.

I spent the afternoon with dozens of babies. Sweet, funny, smelly babies. Two to a crib, 10 to a bed. There are about 5 'mothers' that care for these babies, and the youngest one is probably 50. These are women. These are workers. I don't know that I've ever experienced the exhaustion they must feel. I hope all these babies get a home. I'd bring them all back with me if I could.

I feel like an adult. A confused one, but an adult nonetheless.

I went to the market with Kerry and got lots of delicious fruit. Tomorrow night I am making a western dinner for the cooks and my other housemates. Oh, another funny thing- no ovens in Vietnam. So, I will be making spaghetti and chicken piccata and mashed potatoes.

I will write more tomorrow; tonight I am feeling drained.

I'm lucky to be here.

 before Christmas dinner in Hoi An

 Momma and Gian go to school

 Hoi's physiotherapy 

 Sleepy Kung

 Hoi stands!!!

 sleepy Hoi

 beautiful Dinh

 Hoi's chair (new one on its way)

 Dinh laughs

 Tam

Happy Christmas

I am thankful.

It’s taken me a long time to realize just how thankful I am. Yesterday I went to the social support center. Everywhere I go is my favorite place. First I loved the pagoda, and then I love the AOV, and now I love social support.

I cried a lot yesterday. I started crying almost the minute I stepped foot out of the van. Right when I got out a girl whose age I do not know came stumbling over to me. She has a disability that effects her coordination and she has a hard time walking without falling over. She took my hand and we walked. We walked all around social support stopping to say xin chào (hello) or pick up sticks. Her grip was strong and she used me a crutch so that she could move freely without falling over. We didn't talk except when greeting other people and there's something grounding and real about walking around in the heat silently.

I walk with ease. She doesn't, but with support she can. I am thankful that I can walk.

After I spent some time with her I went with the other volunteers to brush teeth. The only time the children at social support have their teeth brushed is when GVN comes. Their gums and teeth are horrible and they bled but did not protest. Most of the children (and adults) here are very disabled.

My next place was the baby room. This was where I really started crying. This room is also where the physiotherapy is. I met a baby named Hoi. He has too much water in his brain preventing him from developing and the surgery in Vietnam is too dangerous. The surgery in the states would not be- he could get better in America. You touch his head or rub his belly or sing to him and he lights up. He is present, but cannot develop. His eyes roll back with pleasure when you give him attention. He made me so sad. I want to help this baby. The GVN Da Nang manager, Mr.T, told me his story and I just couldn't hold it together. I want to hold him all the time and I want to give him a better life. He deserves a good life. They all deserve a good life. I feel overwhelmed with emotion all the time here. I want more hands and more money and more time to give to these people. I want more ideas of how I can help. I want to get over my overwhelming feelings so I can figure out with a clear brain what to do for them. I feel like a young stupid white person sometimes when I cry. I want to put that energy into getting more for them, but sometimes I am too vulnerable and have to let myself feel broken.

I want to give money to the physiotherapy program and I want to go to social support every day to assist with it. The babies and big kids in physiotherapy could get so much stronger if they had it more often. There is a 27-year-old man named Tam who has severe CP. I think we could get him splints for his hands to retrain the muscles to move out of the cramped position they are in. He is so smart. His English is getting so goodwill be tutoring him while I am here. He laughs and jokes with me and is thrilled to learn. He is inspiring. He wants to be more independent but is in a wheel chair. He can roll himself around but can't walk or sit up without support. He can't roll himself around outside because he would get hurt, so he has a big cart he sits on that we push him around in. He will teach me more than I can ever teach him. He loves music. I will get him a radio or a walk man or something that he can have as his to give him music. He wants to learn so badly. I've never seen anything like him. I've never seen anything like this at all, but I know I will again. I love this country and I love these people.

After physiotherapy was over we took the babies back to their cribs and brought Tam back out to the yard. I can't wait to go back there. I miss them. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to come back to the states. I will finish school and come back to my wonderful babies in America and start planning my next trip back. I just want to finish school so that I can REALLY help these people. Baby steps.

We went back to volunteer house and I went for coffee and soda and mango smoothies with some of the interns, other volunteers, and the beautiful, wonderful, funny women who cook for us and keep up company in the house. They are so lovely. Giang hung out with me while Kerry visited with Santa to figure out Giang's Christmas. She is really something. Her heart might be as big as Kerry's. One of the volunteers who has been here for 5 months left yesterday which was very sad. He is from Arlington, goes to Northeastern, and will be applying to medical school in June. I would have liked to get to know him better, but am excited that we live close to each other.

In the afternoon we came to Hoi An where we are now and checked in to the hotel for a weekend away from GVN. We had a delicious dinner, which I fell asleep at and then were brought back to the hotel in a bike buggy.

Santa came to Hoi An last night and Giang was beside herself. She got roller-skates and barbies and books and much more. She is playing now while Kerry naps. This morning we took a cooking class at the Morning Glory Cooking School, which was my Christmas gift to Kerry. It was so much fun. We went to the market, which was a sensory overload to the nose but fun nonetheless, to learn how to shop for the dishes we made and got a great education about spices and fruits and fish etc. After the market we went back to the school and learned to makes spring rolls, mango salad, and a delicious barbecue chicken. We were afraid Giang would be bored and restless, but she was captivated (almost) the entire time. After cooking school we went to the beach. So beautiful. Kerry has a membership at a fancy hotel that offers a great deal for beach and pool access. I've never been anywhere like it. The South China Sea is magnificent. We're going back tomorrow for breakfast and a day at the beach before we head back to Da Nang.

Tonight we'll have dinner on the waterfront and I am sure retire very early.

I can feel myself growing here and it is electrifying. My thoughts and emotions are on fire and sometimes spastic. I feel dizzy with shocks of elation and depression at once; the sensation of laughing and crying and genuinely feeling both emotions.

It’s a special Christmas. I miss you, Mom and Dad.

I am thankful.

Tam

 Giang waits for Santa

 Santa came!