Eyes open wide in Vietnam: Dream Sequence

This feels like a dream. I think I am asleep. I got back from Hoi An yesterday at 4 pm, watched a movie with Kerry, and then fell asleep until about 5 am this morning. I got to chat with my sisters on skype which was really nice. It also made me remember that I am really far away. And I am really tired. And I am constantly confused and often rather dazed. It also reminded me to step back from what I'm doing sometimes and reflect on more than just what makes me sad.

Funny things happen here. I look out my window and there are cows being herded down my street. Literally. 10 of them. Everyone here rides motor bikes and nobody cares about pedestrians. I saw a motor bike go by today that had about 5 people on it with a small baby sandwiched between two adults. Our bus driver has about 4 different horns that he honks constantly. One of them plays 'its a small world after all'. Everyone always honks. Constant noise. My first night here there was a gecko on my ceiling. They are harmless. I thought it was going to kill me.

Happy things happen here. Today one of the babies in the infant orphanage was adopted by a French Canadian couple who will love him. The children at social support in the physiotherapy program are making progress. I had good pizza for dinner.

Its real here. Life happens all over the place and everyone keeps going. They can't get caught up in grey matter and vague difficulties.

I went back to social support this morning. I didn't cry today. I worked with Hoi and we've gotten him a chair that may help him sit up on his own. I want to cry now. I wish I could bring you all here for a week to meet these kids. Their smiles are the most genuine things I have ever seen. I wonder often how they think their quality of life is. They don't know western culture. They don't understand working class and they certainly can't comprehend wealth. I would like to give them a better life, but I am trying to learn what that means for them. We are doing what we can to educate. We are teaching them English. We brush their teeth and we play with them.

I feel like an asshole for leaving. I feel like what I can do here is so much more meaningful than what I do in the states. At the same time, I know that I can give them much more with more of an education behind me.

I'm realizing that my heart isn't breaking its just adapting to the heartache of the world. My feelings and emotions are growing to grant me a clear head to process sadness and push forward from it. If I put my energy in the right place and stop feeling sad all the time, then I truly believe a difference can be made.

I really love social support. Its impossible for me not to smile when Dinh laughs uncontrollably. Its impossible for me to not feel lucky that I get to see Hoi respond to singing and laughing. These children are such joy. I know that their lives are hard. I know that they live in poverty I have never seen until this month. I want to come back here for a long time. I want to bring people with me. There are not a lot of volunteers here. GVN is the most popular volunteer agency in Vietnam and we currently have 5 volunteers.

I'm just constantly amazed how children who have so little can give so much love. I feel so much from them and I have only known them a week. We have too much in America. I feel like with too much wealth we lose track of what is true and real and important. My eyes are now open. I hope they never close.

These kids need more. I want more time.

I spent the afternoon with dozens of babies. Sweet, funny, smelly babies. Two to a crib, 10 to a bed. There are about 5 'mothers' that care for these babies, and the youngest one is probably 50. These are women. These are workers. I don't know that I've ever experienced the exhaustion they must feel. I hope all these babies get a home. I'd bring them all back with me if I could.

I feel like an adult. A confused one, but an adult nonetheless.

I went to the market with Kerry and got lots of delicious fruit. Tomorrow night I am making a western dinner for the cooks and my other housemates. Oh, another funny thing- no ovens in Vietnam. So, I will be making spaghetti and chicken piccata and mashed potatoes.

I will write more tomorrow; tonight I am feeling drained.

I'm lucky to be here.