Feeling lucky

I have been back in the states for a week but feel like I have only been coherent and awake for it for about a day. I've been procrastinating writing this post because I have been in denial of the fact I am home. I went back to work on Saturday and school yesterday. It was so good to see Fox and his family on Saturday night and Becky, Holly and the girls on Sunday, but I really miss Vietnam.

My mind is still racing, maybe more now than when I was away, as I think of and take in the last month. I am happy and motivated here and excited to start school and pleased with the presentation of the real goals I have for myself. The thought of med school seemed endless and daunting before but is much more exciting now that I've seen my potential patients. I am full of ideas and working on getting more people to come back with me next time. I want to show everyone (especially my peers) the other side of the world. I worried that I would feel helpless when I got back to the states, but thanks to modern technology I hardly ever feel disconnected.

I miss the kids. I miss those who I can not skype with. I am eager to get back. I am also still in shock by how life changing a month can be. Its funny because its not even necessarily in the way I thought it would be. To be honest, I didn't expect the actual people to impact me in the way that they did. Not to say I didn't think that they would effect me, but I literally can not stop thinking about the kids that I met. I remembered today how broken hearted I felt my first day at AOV and I remember wondering if I would ever stop feeling sad when I looked at them, but sad is not the emotion I experience when I think of them and remember them now- at least not in the same context it was before. Its amazing how we adjust to our surrounding so that we can act accordingly. If I continued to feel the same way I did on that first day then there would be no way that I could actually do anything positive for them because I would be too scared to take any initiative. I am grateful for that ability because I really look forward to the point in my life when I am able to help in a more substantial way.

Its been interesting being back in the states. I think I am having worse culture shock now then I did when I got to Vietnam. I know a lot of that has to do with how overwhelmed and excited I was when I got there and also the fact that I thought all the new exposure I was getting was so cool. But being back here, I am more aware of the luxuries I have been entitled to. The wealth and privilege of our country is apparent everywhere, and I took it all for granted. I am certainly aware of it now.

Right now I am sleepy and cold, but since I've been back I have been really, really happy. Happy in a way I haven't experienced before- it feels like my life is coming together and I feel a balance that is new and grounding. I feel satisfied while wanting more at the same time. I know that I am doing all that I can right now and that I have to keep working hard in order to get to where I want to be. I am in the opportune position to live the life I want to and be happily responsible for the decisions I make.

I can't help but feel lucky and grateful to all of the people that enabled me to get to Vietnam. There really is no way that I could have gone without the support network I have, and I promise you that this trip was the first of many I will take dedicated to service with the intent to make the world a better place. I really feel privileged to enjoy this work so much and it was so amazing meeting other people who share the same interests as me. I think traveling is one of the most important things we can do. Seeing other cultures and having an understanding for the rest of the world is educational in a truly unique way. I know that I have a lot more traveling to do and that what I have done is minuscule in ways but it was huge for me. I really mean when I say that it was life changing. I really do feel awake and like a part of my surroundings in a way I did not before. I love what this trip gave me and I love what I learned from the people I met. I miss everyone so much that it hurts, but I know that I will see them again and I know that the mindset I have now would not be possible if I hadn't come back and separated myself from the experience.

Since I am planning a trip back (as well as a trip to Haiti in March), I am going to keep blogging. I didn't think that I would when I got back, but I will use it as a forum to ask for advice about fund-raising, etc. as well as to communicate projects and ideas. Writing here has also helped me keep my mind clear over the last month or so. I had forgotten how much I liked to write.

I've attached some photos of Boston and my babies here for my friends in Vietnam. I really miss everyone so much and can't wait to see you again.

I need to say thank you again to everyone who has helped me (both financially and emotionally). Your help is something that I am endlessly appreciative of and I hope to do you proud.

Now I cry

Well I have held it together pretty well for the last few days, but now I am sitting alone in Ho Chi Min airport crying hysterically and clinging onto my stuffed animal elephant. I'm tired, overwhelmed, and full of excitement and sadness.

I miss home, but I miss Vietnam already. I miss my babies and my friends and the (awful) smell and almost getting hit by a motor bike 50 times a day. I'm so desperate to continue feeling the way I have here. I hope that the motivation and inspiration I have found here will help me move forward in the direction I want and put me to the place I ultimately belong. I feel like I keep saying the same thing but I mean it fully when I say that this trip has changed my life and will continue to do so.

I believe in everything I want to now and don't feel sad or disappointed about the realities I have come to. Does that make sense? I was so sad and so confronted my first few days here and I felt helpless and overwhelmed, but now I feel empowered and like with enough work I can actually change people's lives. We can all change people's lives. It just takes a little courage and a leap of faith. I have no excuse not to do everything I can to make sure that people have the same opportunities that I have. It just seems so obvious that the world would function better if we all contributed a little more. The thing is it really feels good. Being somewhere completely different feels really good. Yes, I hate fish sauce and am sick of the smell of urine and can't wait to sleep in a bed where the springs aren't judding rudely into my body, but if I could and if I didn't think school was so important I would stay here.

It feels like I just woke up. It feels like the whole last month has been a strange and sometimes scary dream that combined all of my fears and passions.

I love children. I want to work with them for the rest of my life. I want to help orphans and I want to help make sure that abandoned children receive the love and attention they need in order to have a chance in the world. I have wonderful, loving parents and I am lucky. There are so many children that do not have that. We don't see that in America. Well, not like we see it here.

I need to get back here soon. I am going to write everyone when I get back to fund raise. I'll write Ellen Degeneres. I'm serious, just you wait. I just want to get back here.

I know the world a little bit better now. I understand a little more. My eyes are open wider and my emotions are primed to ask the right questions. The world is bigger and braver than I ever could have imagined.

I want to be a doctor. I want that more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I could do so much. How can I explain that any differently? People need help.

I have taken my ativan and am sitting in my terminal waiting for my flight. I will write more from Narita about the last few days, but now I have to get on a plane. I will be on a plane for the next 24 hours. I hate flying.

Goodbye Vietnam, I'll be back soon. I am happy for, grateful to, and completely indebted to all of the people I met in the last month. You rocked my world and I love you for it.

sweetest hearts

These last few days have been confusing, wonderful, and depressing.

I still have not said goodbye to most of the people I have met- I keep putting it off and saying I will come back again. Tomorrow I will go to Social Support but I still won't say goodbye. I am going to come back- I think this summer. I want to stay here now but I am running out of money and I have so much to learn.

We brought Dinh to the hospital on Friday for an ultrasound to see if there is something to do to help her gain weight and got some amazing news. There is a CP hospital in Da Nang but for some reason no one has taken her there before. Kerry and Olivia will be taking her next week and we will figure out sponsoring for her. I think she has so much potential. I think she can walk. I know she can live a better life. She is so special. I will do everything I can to help she and Hoi and all of the other children here until I can come back and actually be with them.

I am so glad that Olivia and Kerry are here. Olivia is so good and caring and I can't wait to see her again. Kerry is, of course, the single most big hearted person I have ever met and I am so lucky to know her. The world needs more people like her. I also really love the new volunteer Anne Stuart from North Carolina. She has been here before and it has been so nice having her.

I am so sad to be leaving, but I know I will be back and I have so much to do before then.

In other news- I might actually LIKE riding the motor bike...? Crazy! I mean I will NEVER drive one, but I was actually able to ride on it this morning without clinging desperately to Oanh praying she doesn't run into the person who is literally 5 inches in front of her. Its ridiculous- I looked to my left and saw a person holding an entire standing closet on the back of a bike.

Its is indescribable what this last month has done for me. The people here have made real the person I want to be and the life I want to live. The world is accessible and people are needy and we all have things to share. Charity is important and giving is essential. I want to give all that I can and I can't wait to get home and hit the ground running with plans for my next trip.

I am not scared. I am not sad and I am not worried. I feel in control and empowered and I want for others. I DO want to rip the world apart and make it right. I don't want to be selfish and I want to feel like a part of the world, not just part of my own anxiety. I am. Its so cool. This place is so cool.

On Friday afternoon I visited the then 6 day old baby from the Pagoda. I tried to convince his caregivers to let me take him to the hospital, but in Vietnamese culture the babies can not leave the home until after a month. I had a lesson in respect that day. This baby was clearly premature and weighs only 2 kilograms (about 4 pounds) but it is not my place to ask them to break the rules of their culture. Instead we will organize for a doctor to come to the home. I brought him clothes and some more formula and cuddled him, but his caregivers are good and his well being is their priority. I then visited with the mothers at social support- one of whom is about to have a baby. We brought her some clothes for the baby and I had some quality time with beautiful Dinh. Hoi is doing well, but I am still going to fight for him. I want to get him a second opinion. The chair is really doing wonders, though. All these people are just so special. I was supposed to say goodbye then, but have decided to go back to Da Nang from Hoi An tomorrow to spend the afternoon with them. My heart is breaking. I don't want to leave. I want to see my family and friends and I want to sleep in my bed, but I really don't want to leave. I miss Bec and Mel and don't even want to think about saying goodbye to Liv and Anne Stuart. I am also really going to miss the interns. They all came bowling on Thursday night and then to a dinner last night and Ha came to Hoi An with us. We finally talked him into letting us pay for his surgery. He was in a motor bike accident a week ago and lost 7 teeth. In Vietnam, the surgery to replace them is 350 USD. Can you believe that? It would be about 10000 times more in the states. He is a really lovely guy and a truly gifted artist. I don't want to leave. The thing is I know that other good volunteers will come but for a selfish reason I don't want to lose the person I am here. I feel so useful and good and although I am confronted with the most sobering facts of life everyday, the people here are so strong and loving and good hearted.

There is so much to do. I love it here. I really, really love it here.

I feel intense. I need to get ready for dinner, but I don't want to move forward right now because I don't want to have to leave tomorrow.

Tonight I am going out to my favorite restaurant in Hoi An with 10 of the wonderful people I have met here, and of course Kerry and Giang. It will be fun. I want to go hang out with Dinh.

Here are some pictures from our outing with Dinh and the last few days. I will write more either tonight or tomorrow morning, but now I need to get ready.

I can't express how grateful I am to everyone who helped me get here. This trip has done everything for me. These people have changed my life. I don't know how to communicate how badly I needed this. My confusion has been replaced with compassion.

I'm happy.

I love Vietnam

I haven't written much this week as I've been trying to process my month here and have been feeling incredibly sad about leaving. I extended my trip a couple of days but I really wish I could just stay. What this trip has done for me is indescribable.

On Monday morning we went to social support. I am so in love with the kids there. Tinh and Hoi break my heart in such a real way. This week I can't help but cry every time I see them. They are the ones I am the saddest to leave. I took Hoi to the hospital on Monday morning and he has double ear infections. I tried to fight to bring him to Ho Chi Min City for a good CT scan because I really feel like his hydrocephalus is operable but the powers that be ended up deciding that it was not worth it. I hate that. I wish I could steal him and take him for the second opinion. There is a more active person inside of him, but I am only here for a few more days and then another volunteer will start caring for him. And Tinh- I don't even know how to describe her. She is the single most beautiful, radiant and heart warming person that I have ever met. She is mischievous and hilarious and cries laughing every time I fall or kick myself with her skinny little legs. I'm not scared of hurting her because I know that she is strong so I throw her around and play with her and she just laughs and laughs. Its overwhelming how much I love that little girl. I can't wait to come back and see her. I am inspired by her. The way I feel for her is new as I have never wanted to help someone so genuinely in my life. Maybe it is because I haven't been around people who need the same things that she does- that all of these kids do for a matter of fact. She deserves to have a tutor everyday and a physiotherapist working with her everyday. I wish you could all meet her. She is just so beautiful. On Friday we are going to take the disabled kids to the park. I wanted to take Tinh outside on Tuesday but they would not let me because it was so cold. She loves the sunshine, though. We sit next to the window and she just bangs on it wanting to go out. On Monday afternoon I taught English at AOV and played soccer with the kids. That place is special, too. Everywhere here is. I feel alive and excited at all the placements. We have an awesome new volunteer from South Carolina (yay USA!) name Anne Stuart and she came with me to meet the kids there.

I don't worry about myself here in a really healthy way. I worry about the kids so much and put my concern in them so the little stupid petty things that consumed me before. Its nice feeling lighter that way. Its more useful putting my energy into others. I'm ok and I'm taken care of and that allows me to take care of others. I think that is so cool.

I just love it here. I'm so happy. The people I have met are really so lovely. My roommate Olivia has become such a good friend of mine and I'm hoping to visit her in Australia next time I am here. We'll also get her to the states. I've also become really close with the female physiotherapist Hoan and I really want to get her to the states for a visit. I've never met someone who is so well intended and hard working as she. She wants nothing for herself, only for the children. She tells me how much she wants for them every day.

On Monday night I taught English to the high school kids at Social Support. We learned about prepositions. I think they know more about grammar than I do. One of my 14 year old students named Viet corrected me. It was great.

On Tuesday morning I went back to social support to hang with my favorite kids. Hoi was doing better but young Tam wasn't so good. His cough is really concerning me, but he is so weak that they won't let me take him to the hospital, so I just held him and cleaned his ears and sang with him. At lunch time I spoke with the head of GVN about what I can do when I am back in the states and it is primarily fund-raising. I'm writing the newsletter with Olivia for GVN and am looking forward to that. I hung out with Tinh during lunch and then went to the baby orphanage with Anne Stuart. We had a new set of twins! Unfortunately the Canadian adoption agency is stopping doing adoptions with them so they are trying to move out as many babies as they can before that. I'm really hoping the US will be up and running with Vietnam soon. After baby orphanage I went to have a look at the hospital across the street and visited the maternity ward. Lots of babies being born in an almost silent wing of the hospital. No one was screaming. It was surreal and a little odd. We literally saw a baby being born and the mother was not screaming. This hospital is pretty good for Da Nang. A CT scan here is 50 USD. Crazy, huh? They just got an MRI machine as well.

We had dinner with Kerry on Tuesday night at a really fun place called Waterfront which is really nice.

On Wednesday we spent the whole day at the Pagoda. When we came back for afternoon placement a brand new 4 day old baby had just been abandoned. They had no milk or bottles for him so I went with a few of the monks and Hoan to get him some food. I'm going back tomorrow and if he has not been taken to the hospital yet me and Hoan are going to take him to make sure all is ok. Smallest baby I have ever seen. His poor little lips wanted to eat so badly and they don't have good nipple replacements for bottles where we went, so he will have to get used to an older nipple pretty quickly. I bought enough formula to last a few weeks and will leave money for some more after.

Last night we took Co Quyen (our lovely cook) and Hoan out for dinner at Waterfront. Co Quyen took me on my first real motorbike ride and I thought I was going to die. Scariest thing ever- no joke. I literally felt a car rub against my leg as it drove passed us. Tried that once, don't think I will again this trip. They are so confident on their bikes, though, because that is what almost everyone uses. Probably shouldn't have had my first time be during rush hour. Two new volunteers came last night and they are really great- from Australia. So they joined us for dinner and drinks. We met up with some Americans we met in Hoi An at a fun little place called Bamboo 2. That was really fun.

This morning I had to say goodbye to my kids at AOV 1. I honestly didn't think they would be upset because they remember so little and was heartbroken when one of my older male students cried when I said I was returning to America. Again, I don't want to leave. I will be back. I taught my last English class and then we had a snack and did some puzzles. I am going to figure out some fund-raising for the AOV when I get back stateside. Its a really good resource for the families of these children, but is grossly underfunded.

I am currently sitting on our roof with Olivia and Anne Stuart getting a little sun. Its the first sunny day in a while so we are enjoying it before going to afternoon placement at the baby orphanage.

That is all for now. I am going to write more tonight, but am currently feeling really sad about leaving and am not sure how to put what I am feeling into clear thoughts. There is so much going through my mind right now and I am just so aware of the huge impact this trip has had on me. It has given me the gift of not feeling anxious about myself which is so great and is allowing me to actually act on what I have always believed.

Lots of pictures today from the last few days, and more tonight.